Ah, the joys of Internet fraud.  Here's my latest wooer.

QuoteHello My Dearest,

My name is Miss. Miriam Lorna Laboso, 23 years old originated from Nairobi-Kenya, East Africa, Female, tall, slim, fair and a very good looking girl that loves travelling and dancing, a student, that loves to be loved, I want you to also understand that your Age, distance, Religions does not matter to me, kindly permit me to contacting you through this medium, I am compelled to contact you via this medium for obvious reasons which you will understand when we discuss details of my proposition.

My father was the former Assistant Minister of Home Affairs and the Kenya road Minister Mr. Kipkalya Laboso had been on board the Cessna 210, which was headed to Kericho and crashed in a remote area called Kajong'a, in western Kenya . The plane crashed on the Tuesday 10th, June, 2008.

You can read more about the crash through the belowsite:http://edition.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/africa/06/10/kenya.crash/index.html

After the burial of my father, my step-mother has threatened to kill me because of the money my father deposited in one of the banks in Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso in my name as the next of kin before his dead which amount is ($4.2 USD) Million United State Dollars. I travelled down to Burkina Faso to withdraw the money so that I can start a better life and take care of myself.

On my arrival, the Branch manager of the Bank whom I met in person told me that my father's instruction to the bank was the money will be release to me only when I am married or I should present a trustee who will help me and invest the money overseas. I have chosen to contact you after my prayers and I believe that you will not betray the trust I have on you. But rather take me as your own daughter or your Sister. Though you may wonder why I am so soon revealing myself to you without knowing you, well, I will say that my mind convinced me that you are the true person to help me stand as my trustee since I have not married.

More so, I will like to disclose much to you if you can help me to relocate in your country because my Step-Mother has threatened to assassinate me. Also be informed that I have confirmed from the bank in Burkina Faso that the money is still unclaimed. You will also help me to a place were the money will be establish a more profitable business venture in your Country. Moreover, you will also help me by recommending a nice University in your country so that I will complete my studies.

It is my intention to compensate you with 30% of the total money for your services and the balance shall be my capital in your establishment. As soon as I receive your interest in helping me, I will put things into action immediately. In the light of the above, I shall appreciate an urgent message indicating your ability and willingness to handle this transaction sincerely. Please do keep this only to your self. I beg you not to disclose it to anybody until the money transferred into your bank account and then I will come over to your country.

I am waiting to hear from you soonest,
Yours Sincerely,
Miss. Miriam Lorna Laboso.

QuoteTall, slim, fair, good looking - tell me more!  Can I have a photo?

QuoteHello' My Darling,

I am very happy for your reply to my mail. How is your day?, Mine is a little bit hot over here in Ouagadougou Burkina Faso and I have just received your email with lot's of excitement regarding to your mail accepting to help me out in this difficult situation.

Now I will like to introduce myself to you, I am Miriam Lorna Laboso  23years old, I was born on 20th April 1987; I am from Nairobi Kenya in East Africa, I am 5.6ft tall, I am second year at University of Kenya , reading marketing. My mother died during a child birth in 1992,and eversince I have been alone with my father and my step mother whom have unleashed her wickedness on me. I managed to make my way to a near by country Burkina Faso where my Father made a deposited with my name as the next of kin.

I am constrained because of the abuse/threaten I am receiving from my wicked stepmother and uncle. They took away all my late father's treasury and properties from me since the unexpected death of my beloved Father. Meanwhile I wanted to escape to United State but they hide away my international passport and other valuable travelling documents. Luckily for me they did not discover where I kept my fathers File which contains important documents and information's. So I decided to run to the refugee camp where i am presently seeking asylum under the United Nations High Commission for the Refugee here in Ouagadougou, Republic of Burkina Faso.

After the tranAfter transfer of this money to your account: You will help me withdraw some amount from the account where the money was transferred, and from it you can send some money for me to get my travelling documents and air ticket to come over to meet with you in order to further my studies .You will send a letter of invitation to me so that they will give me a VISA urgently to travel and join you over to enable me continue my education.  It is my intention to compensate you with 30% of the total money for your services and the balance shall be my capital in your establishment, please understand my condition and do not abandon me without help. Therefore my condition here is very bad, feeding is very hard for me but with God all things will be good just a day.

Firstly I am emailing you from the office of the Reverend Father Denis Mongolo in Saint Marry Catholic Church, Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso, I told the Reverend about my communication with you and he permitted me to access my email in his office computer twice a day, Pls you can call me with the office number of the Rev father +226 78 90 83 08  here in the Mission camp and ask of Miss Miriam Lorna Laboso that stays in the female hostel room 12, block C when you call. As a refugee here I don't have any right or privilege to any thing be it money or whatever because it is against the law of this country. I want to go back to my studies because I only attended my first year and was in my second year before the tragic incident that lead to my being in this situation now took place. In the refugee camp where i am now, we are only allowed to go out only on Monday's and Friday's of the weeks. It's just like one staying in the prison and I hope by God's grace I will come out here soon. ][/b]

I am waiting to hear from you soon,

Yours in Love,

Miss. Miriam Lorna

And a photo!



So obviously I had to respond with:

QuoteHubba hubba!  Bet you take it up the tradesman's, amiright?

How long until I get bored, do you reckon?

Don't mock the poor girl! She's suffered enough!

Yes, leave her alone Cerys - you're talking about the woman I love!!! :o(

You mean this one?

Heh, lovely stuff, but I think it's time for you to send a photo so that she knows what you and your twin brother look like.





_{Not my own monging, but I can't remember who did the original pic.}

Not sure she'd fall for that.  Although....

QuoteDearest Miriam,

I am so, so sorry my angel - my worthless layabout of a brother got hold of my laptop and sent that last email.  He thinks I'm going to sell the house and come out to Ouagadougou, because I told him you were the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen.  He's my twin and sometimes he gets jealous of my good looks.  Here is a photograph of the two of us - see if you can guess which one is me!

I will speed to the bank tomorrow, my lovely sweetheart, and see how much I can raise to help you.  Wait for my email.

Soon, my love.

Nelson xxx

That's nothing, this morning I had a request from George Osborne himself! He writes:

"PLEASE READ THE ATTACHMENT OF YOUR INHERITANCE FUND AND GET BACK TO ME IMMEDIATELY. "

Obviously there's no way I can ignore this. Judging by his terseness and use of capitals, it must be something really serious. The fate of the economy could be at stake!

I've won so many hundreds of millions in lotteries recently it's crazy, I barely need the hundreds of millions from the 60 or so inheritances I never knew I was due.

QuoteAre you interested in a US45,000,000 deal?

^The last one I got, (its entire contents, I like em short and sweet), is the highest amount offered I've seen in a single email. If no-one outdoes it by the end of the week I think I'm going with him.

Get this, I got one from Moussa Koussa shortly after he arrived in Britain[nb]He wasn't keen anyone knowing mind so keep that bit under your hat.[/nb], he was a bit shady, didn't give out much, but there was clearly mucho moolah involved under the table for the right person, I reckon I'd have the five-oh busting my door in on that one so I let it slide, I'm savvy like that see.

I'm just waiting for an e-mail from Mr Bin Laden!

QuoteYou deserved to have 8" penis‏

Deserved, past tense? Why don't I deserve one now?!

How fucking lazy is this:

QuoteAre you living in the US?! you are entitled for an exclusive 20,000USD bonus. Get it in here -
httx://www.plaza-xxx[nb]snip[/nb]-cazino.ru

They may as well just bash the keyboard and stick a url in there, it might pique my interest at least.

URGENT!! :efIUWGRC UY3NSFWuV!! HERE rbESSJFJ\lioik#

Admit it, you kind of have to click it don't you?

^ NWS, by the way.

Gooseberry! [nb]But at least I now know you're the sort who'd fall for my marketing scheme.[/nb]

Yeah, well technically it kind of is... but still not one for the desktop background.

Unless you're into that kind of thing.

_{Edit: Even putting NSFW in there doesn't really help as it's not particularly noticeable.}

Awww they've gone and deleted it and now I can't even edit it, bah.
Very well:

UPDATE: ORS|Ihey're aFter yOu!!ERWERwasahahatueogh;\oQ£Q£DD!

Nelson has, as promised, written to Miriam:

QuoteI am so sorry, my love, but my visit to the bank did not go well.  It turns out that I have rather less in my account than I previously thought, as a result of purchasing a rather expensive and life-like fleshlight.  My worthless brother, Broderick, assured me that it would pay for itself, but he muct have been lying, as the money is most definitely gone from my account.

I have a plan, though, my dearest.  Broderick and I own my house jointly, and if I can persuade him to sign it over to me then there is still a chance that the money to help you can be raised.

With all my heart, stomach, liver and onions,

Your own Nelson xxx

Ah, this thread made me go and check out 419 Eater again. Many a happy time spent scanning that site.

I've avoided it so far.  I may have to go and have a peek some time soon.

Meanwhile:

QuoteWhy have you not replied to me?  It's because I'm ugly, isn't it.  I know I'm ugly.  But I'm a good man!  I only want to love and help you.

Please, please write again.  I have a huge, girthsome longing for you.

Nelson xxx

QuoteDearest One
I am most delighted to your acceptance in helping me out in this
difficult situation and i promise you that you will not encounter any
problem while trying to help me. let the amount of the money mentioned
not be a source of worry to you because i believe that we are going to
leave happily ever after with this money in our possesion.

I will compose an application letter for you so that you can contact
the bank and state to them your reasons of contacting them meanwhile i
will also talk to the Reverend Father so that he can take me to the
bank to see the bank management and explain to them about you so that
it will not be a suprise to them when you finally contact them. I am
also pleading with you to send me the following information's so that
i will know a little bit about you.

Full Names..
Age...
sex...
Marrital Status
Occupation....
Country Origin...
Private Phone...

I will forward the letter of application as soon as i get this
informations. Hoping to hearing from you.
Yours in love
Miriam

So now I think a little interference from Broderick, the worthless layabout bro....

QuoteHey baby you so horny and Nelson such a stooge.  I know your game, you want to take him away from me.  Telling you now, sister, Bro and bro never going to be appart.

Be sure to use as many outrageous religious phrases as possible, like: 'for the love of Christ...' and 'may the Lord come on your back swiftly'.

Not until she does :)

QuoteOh, my love, how glad I was to open up my email and find your letter!  I had to throw my brother off my laptop because he was, once again, playing silly card games on it.  I sometimes think he will squander away all the money our dear, sainted parents left to us when they died.

The information you need is simplicity itself to provide.

Full Names - Nelson Broderick René
Age - 45 years
Sex - Male
Marital Status - Single (but hopefully not for long, my dulcet love)
Occupation - Fuller
Country Origin - UK
Private Phone. - I regret, my love, that I have no telephone.  After my parents' tragic death, I could no longer bring myself to use one.  I know that such a bizarre accident is unlikely to happen twice, but still the pain is there.

Soon, my love.  I wish I could hear your voice.

Nelson xxx

I'm amazed there are still people who fall for these scams:

http://consumerist.com/2009/01/no-you-should-not-give-nigerian-scammers-150000-to-claim-your-inheritance.html

There's still one born every minute.

QuoteHello My Dear, 
I am very happy to receive your mail this morning; I thank you so much for accepting to help me claim my inheritance fund. I want you to understand that this transaction will not only fetch us finance, but will also bring your family and me to an everlasting relationship in the near future.

Please I want you to fill the application letter below with your bank account details and send it to the bank through their E-Mail/   islamibankbff@aim.com so that the bank will start processing the transfer of the fund into your bank account. I have already informed the bank manager Mr Idrissa Kambore with an Authorization letter that you will contact them on my behalf.

Honestly I am really suffering here, I find things difficult, if I should tell you that I have been putting only one cloth for some days now you will not believe me, while my late father's mates, their children are in school's for a better future, dear infact I want to become every thing for you and I want you to put me into your heart to make me happy forever, and wipe away my tears and sorrows. I want you to be the family i don't have because you are the only person that i can rely on at this time.

I am waiting to hear from you as soon as possible,

Yours Sincerely,
Miriam

  Fill the application and send it to the bank immediately

ATTN: MR IDRISSA KAMBORE
FOREIGN REMMITANCE DIRECTOR
ISLAMIC DEVELOPMENT BANK (IDB)
RUE 2,PLOT 55,KWAMENKURUMAH AVE.
01 BP 1999 01 BURKINA FASO,WEST AFRICA
TEL:+226 76 57 05 27
FAX: +226 50 42 00 39
EMAIL:    ( islamibankbff@aim.com)


Subject: applying as trustee to Miriam Lorna.

  I ................... APPLY TO YOUR BANK AS THE TRUSTEE TO MISS MIRIAM LORNA LABOSO THE NEXT OF KIN TO YOUR DECEASED CUSTOMER MR LORNA LABOSO ,FROM NAIROBI, KENYA,  HOLDER OF ACCOUNT NO,ADB4934109,PUTTING CLAIM OVER HIS BALANCE WITH YOUR BANK VALUED AT US 4.2 MILLION DOLLARS ONLY. SIR,I WISH TO BE INTIMATED ON THE PROCEDURES INVOLVED IN HAVING THIS FUND TRANSFERRED INTO MY ACCOUNT AS GIVEN BELOW :

1.  Full Name...................................................
2.  Sex................................................................
3.  Age..............................................................
4.  Country....................................................
5.  Marital status...........................................
6.  Occupation.....................................
7.  Bank Name...............................................
8. Bank Address.........................................
9.  Bank account Number...................................
10. Personal mobile number...............................

Since his sudden death in a plane crash on 10th June, 2008, I wish an urgent attention should be given to my humble application as the urgency implies on this matter.

Thanks in anticipation of your co-operation.

Yours sincerely, ...............

So now I go quiet for a while....

Have some sympathy Cerys, the poor dear has been putting only one cloth for some days now! Hate it when that happens

Oh, come on.  It only takes one cloth to protect the table.  Clearly she's overly houseproud.

Quoteslamibankbff@aim.com

AOL Instant Messenger! Oh, classic. CLASSIC.

Would Nelson go for that?  I'm not sure.  I suspect he's a bit too shy just yet.  He's going to have to be encouraged by hearing her voice.  But he can't bring himself to use the telephone, and the speaker on his laptop is broken after his useless brother spilled some kind of fluid into it.  Oh, the tragedy!  Maybe, if he's really lucky, Miriam could be persuaded to record some words of love and reassurance for him....

I'm not sure about this one.